I'm frustrated. With diabetes. With life. With everything.
For the past month or so my blood sugars have been crazy high after eating, no matter what. And if I give more insulin I just go low later. It happens no matter what I eat. I have absolutely NO idea what to do. Any food suggestions that don't make your blood sugar high after eating?
Ever since a few weeks ago my blood sugars have been crazy. My basal rates seem to need completely changed (which I haven't done because I don't even know where to start). I'm high then I go low and eat 10-15g and I'm back in the 200's. I don't understand! It's not for lack of trying, that's for sure. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't keep my blood sugar stable. I know that if things stay like this my A1C will be much higher than 6.5, even though I want it lower next time I get it tested. I start school in a couple weeks and I know I will need to make changed again then. Why can't things diabetes wise stay the same? There's always a need to change things and it's frustrating because it makes me feel like I can never get it right. But honestly, I never can get it right.
I can't even finish this post without tears running down my cheeks. I'm frustrated with my life. My twin brother got his permit a couple weeks ago. I haven't because I'm still waiting for THAT letter from the MVA saying that I'm medically cleared to drive. Even though we filled out the paperwork, my doctor filled out the paperwork, we sent it in a month before, we have still not gotten that letter. My brother rubs it in my face every chance he gets, like I'm already not upset about it enough. It's not fair that diabetes is standing in the way of me getting my permit. It might not seem like a big deal, but it is. To me, it is. We already have a late birthday, and some people in our grade already have their license. It just is not fair.
I haven't talked much about my dad on my blog. It's a long story. Over the past few weeks I've been becoming more and more angry and hurt that he chose alcohol over our family. He is just now trying to "fix" things, trying to get back in touch. He says he's sober, but who knows? It upsets me when I know my mom is struggling to make ends meet and he doesn't even have a job, and doesn't pay child support. Actually, he just started paying child support even though he's been supposed to for years. I don't think he realizes how much he's hurt us. He was drunk the whole time, he probably doesn't even remember half the things he said and did. My mom blames him for herself becoming an alcoholic. Do you know what it's like having two alcoholic parents? Well, it sucks. More than words can explain, it sucks. (My mom has been sober for a few months, but still, having the memories of all the bad is overwhelming and depressing. Like I've said before, my older sister is my hero.)
I'm frustrated, angry, upset, depressed, and have absolutely nowhere to turn. My best friend moved half way across the country at the beginning of summer. I miss her so much. I miss the nights we would just talk. She knew everything about my life and I knew everything about hers. We still talk, but it's just not the same. I need her here. I want her hugs and just to talk to her.
What it comes down to is that life isn't fair. It never will be. I know it will just get worse once school starts again. And besides, it has to get worse before it gets better. I'll try to survive and make the best of life, that's what I've done so far. But sometimes things get to me. Sometimes, I'm not as strong as I seem. Sometimes. I'm not okay.
Things will get better.
Hi Brea!
ReplyDeleteDeep breaths, hun! You've got a lot going on there, and I really hope writing it all out helped a little!
When it comes to diabetes, things constantly change. You're not alone there. But that's where the DOC can come in. This is where you can vent and find other people that understand and empathise.
Sucks that you're still waiting to hear about your permit. Fingers crossed that comes through soon!
I'm sorry to read about the troubles with your family, but I'm so glad to read that your older sister and your best friend are there for you. I know your best friend's moved away, and you're right, it's not the same, but you can, and will, make it work, I'm sure, and cash in your hugs when you can!
You've got this, Brea. Just take it one day at a time and know you have a whole network of people here that will always listen, any time of day.
Take care!
Vicki.
I think the second half of your post could be partly the cause of the first half. Your mind is racing in all directions, and trying to stabilize your blood sugars right now is like trying to build a house of cards on a speeding race car. I'm no expert, but I'd say to try to come to terms with other things (your friend moving, your brother's mocking) and once those stresses are gone, I'll bet your BGs will get better.
ReplyDeleteCall your friend. Cherish the last few months with your mom being sober, and let her know what it means to you. Look forward towards what is to come, not backward at what's already passed.
Again, I'm in no way qualified to give advice, but I do know from experience that big stressful things tend to magnify the little things, and making tiny steps - even toward the little (and easier) things can make a big difference.
I wish you lots of stability and happiness in the future.
Brea... sorry that you're going through all of this. The fact that you're enduring shows how special and unique and gifted you are.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, MVA will come through with the permit soon. You know how beaurocratic they can be. In the meantime, enjoy the rest of summer as much as possible, and reach out if you need anything.