What Diabetes Is

Diabetes is...

Waking up with a blood sugar of 113 and being proud of yourself.
Estimating the amount of carbs on a plate you're about to eat and being under 150 two hours after that meal.
Having no air bubbles in the new cartridge you just filled.
Making it through the night without a high or low blood sugar.
Having about the same (good) A1c for more than a year.
Advocating and teaching others about diabetes.
Telling a new friend you have type one diabetes and finding out they do, too.


 But more importantly, diabetes is...

Waking up with a blood sugar of 436 and feeling terrible.
Estimating the amount of carbs on the plate you're about to eat and being 32 an hour later.
Not being able to get that one air bubble out of the cartridge you're filling, and being too frustrated to keep trying.
Waking up every two hours through the night to see if your blood sugar has dropped any from the 398 it was before bed.
Realizing your A1c went up 2 percentage points in 5 months.
Advocating and teaching others about diabetes, just to hear them make rude jokes about it later.
Telling a new friend you have type one diabetes and not having a new friend anymore.

More than that, diabetes is...

Crying at the sink while washing dishing because maybe you just can't handle it anymore.
Telling your best friend she needs to come over because you're home alone and your blood sugar is 584.
Wondering if you'll ever find someone that will love you enough to support you through all the literal highs and lows.
Thinking about how hard and trying it will be to start a family.
Wondering why you don't have a close relationship with anyone that has diabetes, but never wishing it on anybody else at the same time.
Having the battery in your pump run out an hour before a party starts, and wishing more than anything you could ignore it and just have fun.
Being nauseous and sweaty and shaky and having a headache because your blood sugar went from 467 to 35 in less than two hours.
Barely making it to the kitchen after waking up with a blood sugar of 31 at 3am.
Sitting on the kitchen floor in the dark, crying until your blood sugar is high enough and you have enough strength to walk back upstairs.
Crying. A lot.
Being so depressed that it's incredibly hard to get out of bed, let alone check your blood sugar four times a day.


Diabetes is hard. Diabetes is overwhelming. Diabetes is difficult and trying and ridiculous and unpredictable.

But.
Diabetes is possible. Just keep going, keep trying.

Why Talking About Diabetes in High School is Hard

I have type one diabetes. It's a well known fact about me. All my friends, teachers, and relatives know. Even those that I wouldn't consider "friends" know. When I was on the powderpuff football team during homecoming week at my school, the back of my jersey said "TYPE 1." Pretty much, 90% of people I come into regular contact know that I have diabetes and the other 10% don't know or maybe even don't care enough to inquire.

So why do I find it so hard to talk about diabetes? Why when someone says "What's that?" (referring to my insulin pump) is it so hard for me to find the right words to answer with? People have questions. It's normal. Even those who have known me since I was diagnosed still ask me questions about diabetes. Me a year or two ago would have jumped at the chance to inform and educate. But me now mumbles something like "oh... a medical device... for diabetes... I have... diabetes" and feel instantly ashamed and sad about it. Why is that? 

Maybe it's because I'm a high school senior. Maybe it's because diabetes is so often put together with me being weak. Maybe it's because I'm tired of the "Can you eat that?" and "Is your blood sugar okay?" questions I seem to be getting more and more lately. I love my friends, I truly do (or else I wouldn't still be friends with them.) But is there a nice way to tell them to back off and stop talking about diabetes? 

I don't try to hide my diabetes. I never have. But lately, I just simply don't want to talk about it. That doesn't mean I'm not taking care of myself or I'm spiraling downwards when it comes to diabetes care-- I'm not. 

So, maybe it is a teenager thing. Or maybe it's just a me thing. To me lately, talking about diabetes is hard. In my college speech class, we have to write and deliver to the class an informative speech. We get to choose our topics and I chose diabetes. Am I crazy? Yes. But can I do it and do it well? Hopefully. I hope this is the first step to me getting back on track to informing, educating, and advocating for diabetes. Wish me luck!

I'm Getting Older- And So Is My Diabetes

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist a couple weeks ago and it was not the best appointment. In fact, I'm still shaken by some things that were said, and in turn, felt. My A1c came back at 6.6%, which, for a seventeen year old, is pretty great. (I may be slightly bias seeing as how I am seventeen and that is my A1c.) If you based endo appointments solely on A1c results, that might lead you to believe that this appointment should have gone pretty well. But we all know that A1c's are not the only thing that doctors look at. This time, my doctor was unhappy with several things. Some of them being the percentage of my total daily dose coming from my basal (68%- eeek!), the number of times I test my blood sugar a day (about 3 times per day for the last 90 days), and me not using insulin to carb ratios effectively. These are all things I expected to be brought up at this appointment because, well, I know I've been slacking lately. The things that I did not expect to come from this appointment were the guilt and shame I felt afterwards. The one thing my doctor said that I hated the most was "Come on, you're seventeen, this is just ridiculous." Excuse me?! The anger I felt in this moment was unreal. Since when did becoming seventeen years old mean that I couldn't get tired of diabetes? Doesn't everyone slack a little now and then? Don't I know people who have had diabetes for 10, 20, 30, 50 years and still get a little overwhelmed?! I have always loved my doctor, but when she said this I almost couldn't believe it. My A1c's have been consistently in the 6% range for the past couple years. In fact, this is my first "bad" appointment in years. Sure, I've been slacking. Sure, I could be testing a couple more times a day and using my pump settings more effectively. But did my doctor ever ask how I was? What's been going on in my life? WHY I may have been a little distracted from diabetes care? No. Instead, for the first time ever, she made me feel inadequate and not good enough. I am so tired of diabetes, and I think that's normal every once and a while. I'm trying to get my diabetes care back on track, but with no help from my doctor. I'm doing this for me. My doctor's remarks did not help one bit and she barely offered any solutions to the problems she saw. This, friends, is not what a good endocrinologist looks like and I promise you I will be seriously considering this whole situation before making another appointment with her. Good things don't last forever and this good thing may be ending. I am determined to get my health back on track, with or without the support of this doctor.

Why I Chose to Support the ADA

Diabetes comes in all shapes, forms, styles, and characters. As much as us type ones think it's us who is affected the most, type twos and others are just as greatly affected.
So when I first decided I wanted to participate in a diabetes walk, I looked in JDRF first. And when they didn't have any walks scheduled near me (the closest one is 3 hours away), I looked at the American Diabetes Association. And guess what? The closest one they had was about 3 hours away too! So what was I to do? A few years ago, my family and I did participate in a walk for the JDRF in Washington, DC. And don't get me wrong, it was great! But what about my community? What about the small town I live in, where diabetes advocacy barely exists? Well, let me tell you, that just wasn't cutting it for me anymore.
As I was sitting in my CDE's office the other day, I brought up how I had been thinking about organizing a diabetes walk in our community, I just didn't know how to go about it. I knew it would be a lot of work, that's why I was SO glad when she said that herself, and the people in her office has thrown around the idea also, but when it got to actually putting their plan into action, nobody had enough motivation. (Well, I do!) She also mentioned that the majority of her patients are type two, but they are seeing more and more type ones (like me).
So I have decided to organize a diabetes walk in this tiny small town of mine, and I have decided on going through the ADA instead of the JDRF.
Why? As my mom and I threw around some more ideas for the event, I realized that this is something I want to become a yearly thing. Even after (if) I move away to college. And now, after having support from my CDE and the wellness program at the local hospital, I believe that if I organize it this year, it WILL become a yearly thing. After thinking about it a lot, I want this walk to be and do SO MUCH MORE than just raise money; I want this walk to build connections and friendships, and to be about everyone who has diabetes, not just type ones. So I decided that having a walk through the JDRF would, while great, would limit the participation in the community.
For now, I'm still in the very early planning stages. The walk will most likely be sometime in September 2014.
I can't wait to see what this becomes. I'm dedicated to make a change in my community, now I just need the right people to support me.
I plan to keep blogging about the walk's progress here, so keep checking for more exciting news!

It Only Takes.....

It only takes a second,

to decide I don't need to check my blood sugar,
to "unlike" a diabetes page or group on Facebook,
to scroll past the diabetes related posts and tweets.

And it only takes a minute,

to decide I don't need my insulin for that dinner,
to forget to change my site, even when it's on its fourth or fifth day,
to forget to refill my many prescriptions I need to survive. 

And it only takes five minutes,

to convince my family and friends that diabetes is still under control,
to convince myself that yeah, it's okay to eat more without insulin,
to let rude comments about diabetes slide, even thought I should have been advocating and informing.

It only takes an hour,
to waste my time doing something else instead of connecting with the DOC,
to do homework instead of write blog posts,
to talk to my family about anything other than diabetes and sickness.

But it also only takes seconds, minutes, and hours to make changes, to improve, to heal, once again.
I think I can, I think I can.

It's Going to be Higher

I say that before every endocrinologist appointment. Without fail, I tell my mom "I think my A1c is going to be higher... I mean, not too high, just higher than last time." And without fail, she says "it's okay, we'll see." 

I've been struggling a lot the past 2 weeks with my blood sugars (and life) and I was feeling really down. I had been reminding myself that numbers are just numbers and it will be okay. 

My mom and I got in the car today to make the three hour drive to the endocrinologist and we said what we always say. I thought about the times of the day my doctor would want to make changes to. I thought about what I would say when she critiqued my numbers and asked why they had been what they had been. 

And then she came out to get me. She was smiling ear to ear and I was thinking "Hm, she's having a good day. Weird, because we have been waiting FOREVER!" 

That's when she said it. 

"This is the lowest A1c I have seen in forever! I never see this! I'm so proud of you!" 

I almost had to turn around to see if there was another patient named Brea standing behind me. Of course, there was not. 

She held up the little yellow paper that the nurse writes my A1c on and there it was. 

5.9. What? 

That's when I thought, that's too low! She's going to yell at me!

Three months ago my A1c was 6.1. I didn't think it could get better than that. 

(Now is a good time to say- this post is not to tell you how "good" my A1c is/was. It is just a number. I share these numbers online to help other people realize that it IS possible, not to show off!)

Let me just tell you, 2 years ago my A1c was 10.8. I was not in a good place. Now, as you can see, I AM in a good place. (Partly because of the DOC- I love you guys!)

My doctor did not yell at me. She looked at my Dexcom graphs and, after I told her the past couple weeks have been crazy, decided not to make any changes. She did some mathematical things and said some numbers that she said were all good (who knows, I'm not a math person) 

I told her about my joint problems and other pains and about my appointment with another specialist (after two others have said they don't know what's wrong with me) and she wished me luck and hugged me. (More about other appointments in later posts- still in my drafts) 

So this is when I tell you, hard work does pay off. Life has not been the easiest or happiest for me lately- but I'm trying. 

This A1c has been a sign for me. A "you can do it! Keep going!" 

I truly feel like I can do it. I can keep going. I can be happy and healthy. 

And for that, I am thankful. 

Time Will Tell

Being half way through my junior year of high school, I've been thinking about my future a lot. This summer I'll be touring colleges, applying to colleges, and deciding (hopefully) on a major for college. All before I even start my senior year. Whaaaat? When did I grow up?

Thinking about the future is scary. 

I live in a town that has a college in it, and many people end up going there once they graduate. That being said, none of my siblings (I have four that are in college/have graduated from college) have gone there. We've always been a family that is intelligent and people often look down on people who stay here to go to college (we live in a very small town). 

So, the point is, I've grown up thinking I would go away for college. Until a few months ago, I could not wait to get out of my town and go away to college. 

And then I started thinking. How was I going to do it? College is going to be hard to adjust to- diabetes wise. I'm absolutely positive my blood sugars will not be good considering high school hasn't been all that great blood sugar wise (stress, tests, the works). Being responsible for getting my prescriptions on time, making sure I don't run out of anything, all my doctor's appointments, on top of normal college things? Whoa. I'm stressed out just thinking about it. And I wouldn't even be near ANY of my family or my mom or anybody I know. My older siblings tell me over and over again how stressful college is and how hard it will be-but it will be worth it. And I believe that. It will be worth it. 

So my question is, do I go away to college and get the typical college experience, live in the dorm and all? Or do I stay here, play it safe, and put my health first? I still have a while to decide. But I need to think about it. Only time will tell what the right decision is for me. I know I could handle going away and I know in the end I would be just fine. But at the same time somewhere deep down inside I'm screaming to myself, don't go! Stay home! It'll be easier! It'll be healthier! You'll be happier! But will I? 

I'm confused about the future. I'm scared about the future. I'm angry that I even have to think about how diabetes will affect my future.

 What would you do? Do you have any wise words of wisdom?