Diabetes makes me feel many feelings. Lonely. Depressed. Sad. Happy. Disappointed. Proud. Tired. So many. I often find myself trying to explain these feelings to people around me. But how do you explain the mental effects of living with a chronic disease?
Most of all, lately I've been feeling left out and lonely. It's summer time and I'm in high school. I want to go out, have fun and hang out with friends. I don't want to be the only one that has to bring a big purse, check her blood sugar at the most inconvenient times, give insulin for every little thing I put in my mouth. What happened to being a kid? I grew up way faster than my friends. And it is not fair.
In the interest of being honest- having diabetes in high school sucks. I cry and get upset about it a lot. Even though I know it's not worth crying over. I need to get used to it. I need to accept it. But I just can't. I can't accept that I'm gonna go through my whole life like this- feeling left out, lonely, always having to explain myself. So my question for you- how do I do it? How do I get through high school living with this chronic disease?
I know this post is confusing and scattered. I'm bad at putting my feelings into words. Bear with me, please!
Oh how I wish I had some perfect advice for you. I HATED diabetes in high school (not that I love it now, but whatever). All I can say is don't do what I did - I responded by totally ignoring the fact that I had diabetes. You can do better than that. You are stronger than I was. You are awesome.
ReplyDeleteAnd if it helps at all - I CAN tell you it does get better. You won't always feel so different.
And can I just say it one more time? YOU ARE AWESOME!!!
I have already been through a phase of ignoring it, and I hopefully will never go back to that! Thank you so much for the kind words!
DeleteI'm sorry D makes you feel left out and lonely. I wish I had some great advice, but I really don't. Sometimes it helps my daughter when we talk about the things that wouldn't be in our lives if it hadn't been for diabetes... But she's 5, and I don't know if that's helpful for someone in their teens.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're able to write about it... Hopefully that helps in some way.
Thank you for your sweet encouragement! :)
DeleteYou're growing up faster than some of the others, but you may grow to find that some of the others haven't grown at all. It happens.
ReplyDeletePlease don't exclude yourself from things. I believe you've got a lot more freedom and abilities than you give yourself credit for. And your friends don't care what you put in your mouth or how often you stab your finger -- they're your friends, not random people on the street passing judgment (and even THEY probably don't care!)
Also know that there are plenty of us who have gone through this or are going through this. I remember stopping off at Denny's at 2am with my friends after a night at the Jersey shore, where my regular order was salad and a coffee. Coffee really is the panacea for a tempting dessert. You can drink it comfortably, it tastes good (to me anyway) and they'll keep refilling the cup. Until the waitress slapped me on the back and I nearly choked, but that's a different story....
You're right, they probably don't care, just have to keep reminding myself of that. Thanks!
DeleteBrea... I was diagnosed about 11 years after high school, so I don't exactly know what you're going through. But if I may, let me tell you a little of what I've learned.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 17-18, I was wide-eyed, seeing all the goodness the world could be and wanting to be the most exceptional person I could be. By the time I was 30 or so, (a little after diagnosis), I was feeling smacked down by life and all of the negativity I saw in the world. Now that I'm 51, I've come full circle: I want to be the most exceptional person I can be, and if that means diabetes has to be there too, then it is. And people can just get used to it. I feel more free than I have for a long time.
My advice: Don't wait as long as I have to set yourself free. Your time for greatness is not only now, it's always.
Love the blog, by the way.
Thanks! Diabetes definitely gets me down sometimes, I know I need to work on getting back up. I'll get there eventually!
DeleteI was diagnosed at age 29, so I can't relate to being a teen with D. But I can say this... Someday, somewhere, someone will benefit from your story and your experience. Don't be afraid to be different.. it makes you...you.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I hope you are right!
DeleteBrea,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - good for you for reaching out. Good for you for being honest with yourself, and having the guts to say that you're frustrated.It's OK to be frustrated.
I was diagnosed at age 10, so I went through Middle and High school with diabetes. I had the same exact feelings you are having now. And I did some really, really (in hindsight) stupid things because I hated diabetes so much. I ignored my sugars, and I'm feeling guilty over it now.
Know that you CAN do everything that you want to do. Know that even though you feel more grown up than you should be right now - it will benefit you in the future. Know that taking care of yourself even when you don't feel like it will save you hours, even days of guilt later on in life.
It takes a special person to accept and deal with this disease - remind yourself of that everyday. You are wonderful! I wish I had something more profound to say - but just know that everything will be ok. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need anything.
Carlyn
Thanks for the words of encouragement and support. It means a lot :)
ReplyDeleteHigh school is just tough all around, diabetes or not. I hope you find, as I did, that the older you get, the less f***s you give about what anyone thinks about what you have to do to keep yourself healthy.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself - it won't always feel like this.
I'm here to whole-heartedly second what Kim said, only I'm glad she said it first because I wouldn't have thought to watch my language. :) It gets better, I swear.
ReplyDeleteI will ditto Kim's comment as well!! High school sucked for me and I didn't even have diabetes at the time, it's why I also choose to work with high school students today bc I have no problem letting them know it sucks. :) High school is (for most folks) 4 years of our lives that for the most part will matter not in the long run. Keeping that in mind though is a lot harder than it sounds when you're walking down the halls knowing you are different from everyone else…but get this-EVERYONE is different in some way, some are just more obvious to others. You can choose to OWN your diabetes and teach your friends the ways of it (and yes it's cool bc it's different and different IS cool when the person OWNS it completely) or you can hide it and wonder what you're missing out on.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps, I'm starting work in a new school district at a new high school (I'm a School Psychologist) as a T1D for the first time this week. I myself am wigging out about the STUDENTS and their reactions and how I'm going to educate them…the adults I can handle but your age group well it's new ground for me. I've only been a T1D since January. :)
To know exactly how "important" high school is to most people, poll adults and ask them how often then visited their high school after graduation. I graduated 27 years ago and with the exception of attending some meetings for work, I have not stepped foot in the building and neither has my husband. High school is just a stone in the road. Hang in there and please, please do reach out for help when/if you need it! The DOC is so strong!!
*HUGS*
Thank you for the nice comment! I'm sure you will do great at your new job! I know in the long run I will probably barely remember high school and the feelings I'm having now, I just have to keep going and get through it :)
DeleteHi, Brea!
ReplyDeleteI was diagnosed during my freshman year of high school, and my teachers broke the news for me before I came back. I know that would embarrass the fire out of most people, but I asked them to do it. When I came back, everyone was really accepting, and asked me a few questions, and then we moved on. I was still Emily to them. It seems like those of us WITH diabetes perceive it to be bigger in the picture than it really is. I can't promise that there won't be huge jerks that make you feel like it's even bigger, but those true, life-long friends that you find will make it seem smaller and smaller. My closest friends never bat an eye when I have to check my sugar, or ask them if we can sit down and wait a few minutes before continuing to walk around the mall. They just sit and wait with me, and when I feel better, they get up and go, and it's never mentioned again. On the flip side, if I WANT to talk about it, I know I have great sounding boards that will listen and would do whatever they could to help me out. Friends like those aren't the easiest to find, I know, but they're out there, and they'll let you be you, and diabetes won't make you seem different.
A side note, we were talking about our similarities and differences a few weeks ago. They all have J names, and I don't. 3 of us are left-handed and one J is right-handed. How our upbringings are different. Diabetes was never mentioned.
High school is hard, and I'm not trying to minimize that, but I just wanted you to see that there's hope. And remember, you ARE part of a big group of us that are here to support you and listen to whatever you need to say!!
wow, thank you! I was in middle school when I was diagnosed and my teacher told everyone before I came back, even sent me a card that everyone had signed. My friends mention my diabetes a lot. Mostly, not in a bad way. Sometimes it still bothers me though. High school is hard for everyone. I will try to keep hoping and trying :)
DeleteI never found diabetes in high school to be that hard. Most of my friends just accepted it, I took my insulin with my food and life moved on. It really wasn't until college, where my erratic schedule and eating habits made management really hard. High school is not what makes diabetes hard. Diabetes is what makes diabetes hard, so I guess my advice is that you have to learn to take your management in stride. You can't care what other people think, and you can't let diabetes stop you from doing what you want.
ReplyDeleteI remember interviewing a couple of my friends for an article about what it was like being friends with me, and they were all like "It was not a big deal."
Honestly, the only person it's a big deal to is you. You're still regular Brea to everyone else!
Thank you. I will try to remember your wise words. I know sometimes I think other people think a lot more about it than they actually do. And sometimes I just can't shake that feeling! But I sure will try :)
DeleteYou said you had a hard time putting your feelings into words, but it looks like you did an excellent job here!
ReplyDeleteI don't have great advice for you. I didn't have diabetes in high school but I remember worrying what my "friends" thought about me all the time.
Here's the thing - your real friends won't care about the time it takes for you to care about your diabetes. I bet you can check your BG so quickly that they don't even notice most of the time. At least that's how it happens to me now. And if people do make mean comments to you - then they are not real friends. I know that adults say that part all the time and it doesn't seem true. I am twice your age now (ugh!) and I promise that eventually it is!
I always wonder what my friends think of me. Most of them still don't know the difference between type 1 and 2, even though I've told them many of times. As life goes on, I know I'll find my real friends, who really don't care. Thanks for the advice! :)
DeleteWow Brea. I came to your blog because Sara of Moments of Wonderful shared it on FB. Sara is a dear friend and I love that she shared your story. I believe I've been here before but never wrote down your blog address and I'm not tech savvy so I don't know how to put all the blogs I want to read in one place other than my own blogroll (which I will add you to).
ReplyDeletefirst I think you do a marvelous job of sharing your thoughts and feelings. I think you are brave and wonderful for sharing. It can be hard to share such personal thoughts. The thing is I know most of the folks who already commented and they are smart amazing people and they say the truth.
I don't have T1. My kids do. My daughter is 13.5 right now and was diagnosed after my son when she was 9. I am very fortunate that she shares most if not all her thoughts with me. I hope she continues this as she gets further into her teen years. Her first year of middle school with D was hard on her. She didn't like being different and was tired of all the questions. She went on a pump hiatus for a bit because she was tired of people asking about her pump and also because at the time she didn't think it went well with skinny jeans and skinny t-shirts. The pump hiatus lasted about 3 months - it ended when she met Kerri of SixUntilMe (she commented above) and saw that Kerri wore her pump on the outside of her pocket in full view - she had the same pump as my daughter. That night my daughter put her pump back on. I guess seeing someone as successful and wonderful as Kerri my daughter just decided to start owning her diabetes. Things might change again and maybe she will want another pump hiatus. I just follow her lead and support her. I can't imagine how difficult it can be but I do know how strong you kids are. Yes I think yall grow up faster than your peers but you also grow up stronger, braver and smarter. Scott is right - you may grow up faster but at one point you will notice some of your friends haven't grown much at all. Then he goes on with more wisdom.
Sharing your thoughts and feelings and frustrations in this blog is a wonderful thing and while you may not have started out with the hopes of helping others - let me say that you sharing will help me be a better mom to my kids with diabetes. I can only hope that they will be as strong as you and share as freely as you.
'You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.'
-- Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh A.A. Milne's
Woah, thank you so much! I'm glad Sara shared my story. I was diagnosed my first year of middle school, so of course that was my hardest year too. I went on a pump a few months after I was diagnosed and then ended up going off of it. I'm back on now, and love it! It's good that you have such a great relationship with your daughter, I was like that once with my mom too. I don't know if you read my "My Story" but a few things happened with my mom and we are no longer that close. I hope you will continue to be close like that! Thank you again for your sweet and kind words!
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