Why Talking About Diabetes in High School is Hard

I have type one diabetes. It's a well known fact about me. All my friends, teachers, and relatives know. Even those that I wouldn't consider "friends" know. When I was on the powderpuff football team during homecoming week at my school, the back of my jersey said "TYPE 1." Pretty much, 90% of people I come into regular contact know that I have diabetes and the other 10% don't know or maybe even don't care enough to inquire.

So why do I find it so hard to talk about diabetes? Why when someone says "What's that?" (referring to my insulin pump) is it so hard for me to find the right words to answer with? People have questions. It's normal. Even those who have known me since I was diagnosed still ask me questions about diabetes. Me a year or two ago would have jumped at the chance to inform and educate. But me now mumbles something like "oh... a medical device... for diabetes... I have... diabetes" and feel instantly ashamed and sad about it. Why is that? 

Maybe it's because I'm a high school senior. Maybe it's because diabetes is so often put together with me being weak. Maybe it's because I'm tired of the "Can you eat that?" and "Is your blood sugar okay?" questions I seem to be getting more and more lately. I love my friends, I truly do (or else I wouldn't still be friends with them.) But is there a nice way to tell them to back off and stop talking about diabetes? 

I don't try to hide my diabetes. I never have. But lately, I just simply don't want to talk about it. That doesn't mean I'm not taking care of myself or I'm spiraling downwards when it comes to diabetes care-- I'm not. 

So, maybe it is a teenager thing. Or maybe it's just a me thing. To me lately, talking about diabetes is hard. In my college speech class, we have to write and deliver to the class an informative speech. We get to choose our topics and I chose diabetes. Am I crazy? Yes. But can I do it and do it well? Hopefully. I hope this is the first step to me getting back on track to informing, educating, and advocating for diabetes. Wish me luck!

I'm Getting Older- And So Is My Diabetes

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist a couple weeks ago and it was not the best appointment. In fact, I'm still shaken by some things that were said, and in turn, felt. My A1c came back at 6.6%, which, for a seventeen year old, is pretty great. (I may be slightly bias seeing as how I am seventeen and that is my A1c.) If you based endo appointments solely on A1c results, that might lead you to believe that this appointment should have gone pretty well. But we all know that A1c's are not the only thing that doctors look at. This time, my doctor was unhappy with several things. Some of them being the percentage of my total daily dose coming from my basal (68%- eeek!), the number of times I test my blood sugar a day (about 3 times per day for the last 90 days), and me not using insulin to carb ratios effectively. These are all things I expected to be brought up at this appointment because, well, I know I've been slacking lately. The things that I did not expect to come from this appointment were the guilt and shame I felt afterwards. The one thing my doctor said that I hated the most was "Come on, you're seventeen, this is just ridiculous." Excuse me?! The anger I felt in this moment was unreal. Since when did becoming seventeen years old mean that I couldn't get tired of diabetes? Doesn't everyone slack a little now and then? Don't I know people who have had diabetes for 10, 20, 30, 50 years and still get a little overwhelmed?! I have always loved my doctor, but when she said this I almost couldn't believe it. My A1c's have been consistently in the 6% range for the past couple years. In fact, this is my first "bad" appointment in years. Sure, I've been slacking. Sure, I could be testing a couple more times a day and using my pump settings more effectively. But did my doctor ever ask how I was? What's been going on in my life? WHY I may have been a little distracted from diabetes care? No. Instead, for the first time ever, she made me feel inadequate and not good enough. I am so tired of diabetes, and I think that's normal every once and a while. I'm trying to get my diabetes care back on track, but with no help from my doctor. I'm doing this for me. My doctor's remarks did not help one bit and she barely offered any solutions to the problems she saw. This, friends, is not what a good endocrinologist looks like and I promise you I will be seriously considering this whole situation before making another appointment with her. Good things don't last forever and this good thing may be ending. I am determined to get my health back on track, with or without the support of this doctor.