Shopping Experience Gone Bad

All five of my siblings were home this weekend so help my twin brother and I celebrate our 16th birthday, which is Monday.
Saturday we had birthday dinner, and opened presents.
Sunday was supposed to be a fun day. I woke up with a blood sugar of 180, but understandably so, considering I ate ice cream cake before bed. We were supposed to carve pumpkins, and go shopping. When we woke up, my sister, her boyfriend, my mom, and I decided we were going to go to the store nobody else wanted to go to, and then everyone else was gonna meet us at the next store. My blood sugar was a little high before we left so I gave insulin. Once we got to the store, we were walking around for a while and my dexcom said I was 70. We were supposed to be leaving soon so I figured I would wait until I got to the car to check and test. I told everyone I was with that we needed to go soon because I was going to be low. They looked around for a while, and I was getting more and more annoyed and I wasn't very good at hiding it. By the time we finally left, I felt like I couldn't even walk. My dexcom now read LOW (below 40) I checked and my blood sugar was 30. UH OH. I ate a whole thing of mini oreos and a PB Snickers because that's all I had with me. We were going to the next store and on the way there I was sweating and could barely keep my eyes open. The only reason I wanted to go there was to look for a carry-on bag for my upcoming trip. My mom and I decided we would go in, look for one and then she would take me home and let my sister and her boyfriend ride home with my other family members that were meeting us there. We went in, found a carry-on, and two (matching) sweaters and some candy bars. We paid and my mom gave me the keys to go to the car while she gave my sister her card to use. As I sat in the car, I decided to eat a candy bar. Right after I did, I felt insanely sick. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. We stopped on the way home to pick up the pizza we were having for lunch. I remember being so out of it and feeling so sick that I could barely even talk to my mom when she tried to talk to me. When we got home, I went straight to the living room where my brothers were and laid down. They, along with my mom, were obviously worried about me. I'm sure I was pale and sweaty. I told them I was fine and went to sleep. I vaguely remember my mom asking me if I was okay and if I wanted pizza. When I woke up, my brothers were still playing video games, and I think only 20 minutes passed. I ask my brother to get me a piece of pizza and he said no and asked why I was sleeping. I told him my blood sugar was low and now it's high or something like that. Then my older brother said "JUST GET HER A PIECE OF PIZZA".  And so he did.
After a few more minutes of recovering, I asked where my mom was. Apparently she told me she went to the market but I don't remember that at all. I finally got up but I still had a killer headache. I took some medicine and started to feel better. My mom told me she was really worried about me for a while and considered getting out the glucagon. I'm glad she didn't because my blood sugar was actually high by then and that's why I didn't feel good.
All-in-all, it was a good weekend. It would have been better if I could have shopped some more, and not slept for half the afternoon.
Diabetes gets in the way a lot. Tomorrow is my 16th birthday, and I'm hoping it won't mess that up.
Have a great week, everyone!

Thank you

Dear D-Parents,

Thank you. 

For your sleepless nights. 

For the worry you have for your D-child/children. 

For the hours you spend on the phone trying to get support from device companies. 

For the hours you spent learning at diagnosis. 

For the food you measure and calculate.

For the time you spend trying to make sure we have a "normal" life.

For reminding us to not let D get in the way. 

For the prescriptions you call in every month or three months. 

For driving to the pharmacy to get our life saving medicine.

For remembering to help change our sites and sensors. 

For teaching us how to care for ourselves. 

For letting go, even though you're not quite ready. 

For never slowing down.

For always trying to get the best technology/medicine there is for us.

For having tons and tons of patience. 

For giving us independence. 

For driving us to the several doctors appointment we have each year. 

For consoling us when we are inconsolable. 

For supporting us in everything we do. 

For knowing when we've had enough, and we need your help. 

For teaching us that it's okay to not be perfect. 

For helping us laugh when we need it. 

For not getting mad when we forget to give insulin. 

For advocating for our disease. 

For understanding.

Thank you for keeping us alive. 

But most of all, D-parents, thank you for loving us. 

Shots vs Pump

Before my pump, I was on shots. Novolog and Levimir, which added up to be around 6 or 7 shots a day. I've been on my pump, the Animas Ping, for about 6 or 7 months now. And I love it. Or should I say did love it. At first, it was great. Amazing. Awesome. I went to my endocrinologist 3 months after I started. On shots, my A1c was 6.9. Three months after starting on my pump, my A1c was 6.5. It was an improvement, but I'd take a 6.5 or a 6.9 any day.

Lately, I've not been as big of a fan as I was in the beginning. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like something is wrong. My CDE told me when I started that they often see a decrease in A1c numbers the first six months patients are on the pump, but after that they tend to go up again. It makes sense. When you first get a pump you're excited and do everything right with it. Once the initial excitement goes away, you go back to do things the same way you did before- which probably means your numbers won't be as tight (if you're like me).

I feel like something is wrong because, even though I feel guilty to say it, I think I want to go back on shots. It's crazy. I can't believe that I've been thinking about it so much. I feel insanely guilty about it, because my mom went through all kinds of things to get me this piece of great technology. My health insurance covers it and the supplies 100% (lucky us) but just getting it approved was a struggle. I feel guilty because there's so many people who do want a pump who can't afford one or can't get one for whatever reason. I just plain feel guilty. I'm tired of being attached to it all the time. I just want it off. Maybe I've been feeling this way because my blood sugars have been a little crazy lately and higher than I want. I feel like after a day or two I'm not absorbing my insulin well at all. My blood sugars are pretty good for a day or two after I change my site, but after that, they're terrible. Changing my site every other day wouldn't be worth it for me, and I'd rather just be on shots. That's just how I feel.

I know it's silly to feel guilty. I should do what's best for me. I have yet to bring this up with my mother. I'm still hoping that my blood sugars will somehow get incredibly better and I'll want to stay on the pump. Unfortunately, I can't see that happening. I've been making basal and ratio changes for weeks now, and still, my blood sugars have not been matching up with the effort I've been giving them.

I go to my endo again on November 20th. I've decided to stick with it until then, and if I still feel the same, I will bring it up with my doctor. And try to talk to my mom about it before that appointment so she's not completely blindsided.

Does anyone else have experience with this? Being on a pump but preferring shots?

Lost

I'm a little lost right now. In diabetes. In life. In everything.
Does being lost come with being a teenager? I hope so.
My blood sugars have been all over the place, which probably adds to my emotions. I've been trying. Really really hard. But I'm still lost with what to do with diabetes.
If someone asked me to explain my life right now I would say something along the lines of "I get up, do what I need to do to survive, go to sleep and repeat." I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm more of just here. Just trying to find my way through these tough teenage years, doing the best I can, and still not feeling good enough.
There's things I'm looking forward to this month. My birthday. My trip to Utah to see my best friends. Great things. But they're so far away and I'm struggling to hang on until those exciting things get here.

So for now, please excuse my absence from the diabetes online community. I try to be present as much as possible but I am so busy. Busy trying figure out this thing called life. And it isn't easy.

Have an awesome week, everyone!