It's Going to be Higher

I say that before every endocrinologist appointment. Without fail, I tell my mom "I think my A1c is going to be higher... I mean, not too high, just higher than last time." And without fail, she says "it's okay, we'll see." 

I've been struggling a lot the past 2 weeks with my blood sugars (and life) and I was feeling really down. I had been reminding myself that numbers are just numbers and it will be okay. 

My mom and I got in the car today to make the three hour drive to the endocrinologist and we said what we always say. I thought about the times of the day my doctor would want to make changes to. I thought about what I would say when she critiqued my numbers and asked why they had been what they had been. 

And then she came out to get me. She was smiling ear to ear and I was thinking "Hm, she's having a good day. Weird, because we have been waiting FOREVER!" 

That's when she said it. 

"This is the lowest A1c I have seen in forever! I never see this! I'm so proud of you!" 

I almost had to turn around to see if there was another patient named Brea standing behind me. Of course, there was not. 

She held up the little yellow paper that the nurse writes my A1c on and there it was. 

5.9. What? 

That's when I thought, that's too low! She's going to yell at me!

Three months ago my A1c was 6.1. I didn't think it could get better than that. 

(Now is a good time to say- this post is not to tell you how "good" my A1c is/was. It is just a number. I share these numbers online to help other people realize that it IS possible, not to show off!)

Let me just tell you, 2 years ago my A1c was 10.8. I was not in a good place. Now, as you can see, I AM in a good place. (Partly because of the DOC- I love you guys!)

My doctor did not yell at me. She looked at my Dexcom graphs and, after I told her the past couple weeks have been crazy, decided not to make any changes. She did some mathematical things and said some numbers that she said were all good (who knows, I'm not a math person) 

I told her about my joint problems and other pains and about my appointment with another specialist (after two others have said they don't know what's wrong with me) and she wished me luck and hugged me. (More about other appointments in later posts- still in my drafts) 

So this is when I tell you, hard work does pay off. Life has not been the easiest or happiest for me lately- but I'm trying. 

This A1c has been a sign for me. A "you can do it! Keep going!" 

I truly feel like I can do it. I can keep going. I can be happy and healthy. 

And for that, I am thankful. 

Time Will Tell

Being half way through my junior year of high school, I've been thinking about my future a lot. This summer I'll be touring colleges, applying to colleges, and deciding (hopefully) on a major for college. All before I even start my senior year. Whaaaat? When did I grow up?

Thinking about the future is scary. 

I live in a town that has a college in it, and many people end up going there once they graduate. That being said, none of my siblings (I have four that are in college/have graduated from college) have gone there. We've always been a family that is intelligent and people often look down on people who stay here to go to college (we live in a very small town). 

So, the point is, I've grown up thinking I would go away for college. Until a few months ago, I could not wait to get out of my town and go away to college. 

And then I started thinking. How was I going to do it? College is going to be hard to adjust to- diabetes wise. I'm absolutely positive my blood sugars will not be good considering high school hasn't been all that great blood sugar wise (stress, tests, the works). Being responsible for getting my prescriptions on time, making sure I don't run out of anything, all my doctor's appointments, on top of normal college things? Whoa. I'm stressed out just thinking about it. And I wouldn't even be near ANY of my family or my mom or anybody I know. My older siblings tell me over and over again how stressful college is and how hard it will be-but it will be worth it. And I believe that. It will be worth it. 

So my question is, do I go away to college and get the typical college experience, live in the dorm and all? Or do I stay here, play it safe, and put my health first? I still have a while to decide. But I need to think about it. Only time will tell what the right decision is for me. I know I could handle going away and I know in the end I would be just fine. But at the same time somewhere deep down inside I'm screaming to myself, don't go! Stay home! It'll be easier! It'll be healthier! You'll be happier! But will I? 

I'm confused about the future. I'm scared about the future. I'm angry that I even have to think about how diabetes will affect my future.

 What would you do? Do you have any wise words of wisdom?

Friday Fives: First of 2014

It's 2014. What?! How did that happen? 2015 is the year I graduate from high school! And it's already 2014?!
Here's what's been going on in my life.

1. Diabetes and being a teenager is hard. It's not impossible. But it sure does take a lot out of you. I'm realizing this more and more, the more busy my life becomes.
2. 2014 means the program that used to cover our (ridiculously expensive) co-pays for diabetes supplies no longer exists. Sigh.
3. For Christmas "Santa" bought me a baking class (I LOVE baking!) that starts soon and I am so excited! (But a little stressed about how it will fit into my schedule.)
4. I'm on the Mock Trial team for my school. Which is a team that gets a made up court case every year, picks attorneys and witnesses and goes up against other high school students in a real court room. I am not at all interested in being a lawyer or anything of the sort when I get older but it looks good on college applications (hehe). I am a witness this year and our first trial is January 7th. I am nervous because I've barely had time to memorize my affidavit. (Not to mention, how the heck are my blood sugars going to react while I'm on the witness stand?!)
5. My blood sugars have been absolutely insane. I have no idea why. Christmas break? I feel defeated because every time I look at my Dexcom or meter. All I can think it "HOW?!" I've changed basal rates and insulin to carb ratios and insulin sensitivity factors and still nothing. I'm going to give it another week since next week is a full school week. After that if my number are still crazy, I'll have to email my CDE. I'm completely exhausted!

That's all about my life for now. We had off school today because of the snow and the temperature here. So I'm going to enjoy my day off and start reading the book I've had checked out of the library for two weeks. (Oops.)
Have a good weekend everyone!

A Battle Worth Fighting

As many people say, I have to decide which battles are worth fighting and which ones I need to walk away from. This year, I've been having trouble with the school nurse. I know I am incredibly lucky to even have a school nurse, and even more lucky to have one that likes her job and cares about us kids.

It's nothing against her personally, but I don't feel, especially after my last endo appointment going so well, that I need to see her every single day. Before now, I've been going to her everyday after lunch to tell her my blood sugar, how many carbs I ate, and how much insulin I gave. I mean, really? I'm 16. I'm in great control. I have had 1 low this whole school year and no highs.

Now, yes, it only took a few minutes out of my day, but try to see it from my perspective. I'm late to the same class everyday, and get weird looks from my classmates everyday. I'm just tired of it. Earlier in the year I had other problems with the school nurse, but those were resolved rather quickly.

So I went to my endo a couple weeks ago and brought up this subject. Her reply? "You STILL go to the nurse EVERY day?!" Yep, yep I do. She was shocked. She said something I've been saying for months, "What, is she going to go to college with you too?" SHE GETS IT. (Now would be a good time to say, I LOVE my doctor!) She wrote me a letter, printed out some info form the ADA website, and basically told me it's my right to put in my 504 plan that I don't have to see the school nurse everyday. Music to my ears.

Her nurse emailed me the school forms, my mom signed them, and because I'm afraid of confrontation and of hurting people's feelings, I had my mom take them into the nurse at the end of the school day today. I got a text from my mom saying "Come to the nurse before you leave." I was thinking, ohhhh no. But when I got there, all she had to say was that I had to come to her if I was under 70 or so high that I was feeling sick. Okay, I can handle that!

Later, I found out the nurse was, in fact, not very happy when my mom first came in to talk to her. She had to call her supervisor, who wasn't happy either, to see what to do. In the end, since I had a note from my doctor, they couldn't really do anything. My mom said that the nurse said over and over again "I just get nervous..." To which my mom responded, "Me too, but she has to grow up sometime."

To me, this was a battle worth fighting. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me, it was huge. To any D-parents out there, be warned, once your kids get a little older, they will want their freedom. And you should fight for it for them. They need to spread their wings and fly, and that's okay. How else will we learn?

Slipping

If you haven't read this post, you should do that before reading this.

Sadly, that post, all of the things I described in that post are becoming my reality again. 

I'm finding myself skipping my insulin on purpose. 

I'm finding myself hurting myself on purpose to feel better about things. 

I'm finding my mom drinking. 

I'm finding my grades slipping. 

I'm finding my stress level going through the roof. 

I'm finding my depression level going up. 

The hardest part about all this is that I thought it was over. I thought the years of pain and suffering were over. Will it ever be over?

For now, this is my reality. I'm writing this post because I think it's fair that I share with the DOC what's been up with me lately. 

I'm trying as hard as I can. I'm doing the best I can. It's the best I can do with all these things going on in my life. 

Putting on a happy face gets harder and harder each day.

I need to get back on track. I did it once, I can do it again. 

I will try. Just hang in there with me a little longer. 

Falling Apart

As many of you know, I went on a trip to Utah this past week. It was awesome! Security at the airport wasn't too bad. I'll write more about my trip later. Right now, I'm just writing this because I've been a little absent in the DOC. I'm sad about it. 

I've been sick for the past three weeks. I went on vacation. I have been SO BUSY with school this year. I joined the mock trial team at my school. I got my first C on my report card last week. I got accepted into National Honors Society at school. I was nominated for two scholarships last week for having 600+ hours of volunteer work. My room needs to be cleaned. I need to go shopping for dress clothes. I still need to unpack from my trip. My phone has been broken.

Needless to say, my life is a little complicated and stressful for the past couple weeks. I have so much on my mind. I have barely paid attention to diabetes, and when I have, it's been because I'm disappointed in myself because of what my numbers are. I have a endo appointment on November 20th that I am SO not looking forward to. 

On top of all these things, I've been going through personal and family problems for the past couple weeks. I'm hoping and praying that everything is going to be okay. It has to be okay. 

My life is just falling apart a little right now.

So, friends, I'll be back soon. After my life calms down and I put all the pieces back together, I'll be back. Just know that even if I'm not present all the time, I'm always thinking about you all and I (try) to read your blog posts and tweets. 

For now, thoughts and prayers are appreciated. <3

Shopping Experience Gone Bad

All five of my siblings were home this weekend so help my twin brother and I celebrate our 16th birthday, which is Monday.
Saturday we had birthday dinner, and opened presents.
Sunday was supposed to be a fun day. I woke up with a blood sugar of 180, but understandably so, considering I ate ice cream cake before bed. We were supposed to carve pumpkins, and go shopping. When we woke up, my sister, her boyfriend, my mom, and I decided we were going to go to the store nobody else wanted to go to, and then everyone else was gonna meet us at the next store. My blood sugar was a little high before we left so I gave insulin. Once we got to the store, we were walking around for a while and my dexcom said I was 70. We were supposed to be leaving soon so I figured I would wait until I got to the car to check and test. I told everyone I was with that we needed to go soon because I was going to be low. They looked around for a while, and I was getting more and more annoyed and I wasn't very good at hiding it. By the time we finally left, I felt like I couldn't even walk. My dexcom now read LOW (below 40) I checked and my blood sugar was 30. UH OH. I ate a whole thing of mini oreos and a PB Snickers because that's all I had with me. We were going to the next store and on the way there I was sweating and could barely keep my eyes open. The only reason I wanted to go there was to look for a carry-on bag for my upcoming trip. My mom and I decided we would go in, look for one and then she would take me home and let my sister and her boyfriend ride home with my other family members that were meeting us there. We went in, found a carry-on, and two (matching) sweaters and some candy bars. We paid and my mom gave me the keys to go to the car while she gave my sister her card to use. As I sat in the car, I decided to eat a candy bar. Right after I did, I felt insanely sick. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. We stopped on the way home to pick up the pizza we were having for lunch. I remember being so out of it and feeling so sick that I could barely even talk to my mom when she tried to talk to me. When we got home, I went straight to the living room where my brothers were and laid down. They, along with my mom, were obviously worried about me. I'm sure I was pale and sweaty. I told them I was fine and went to sleep. I vaguely remember my mom asking me if I was okay and if I wanted pizza. When I woke up, my brothers were still playing video games, and I think only 20 minutes passed. I ask my brother to get me a piece of pizza and he said no and asked why I was sleeping. I told him my blood sugar was low and now it's high or something like that. Then my older brother said "JUST GET HER A PIECE OF PIZZA".  And so he did.
After a few more minutes of recovering, I asked where my mom was. Apparently she told me she went to the market but I don't remember that at all. I finally got up but I still had a killer headache. I took some medicine and started to feel better. My mom told me she was really worried about me for a while and considered getting out the glucagon. I'm glad she didn't because my blood sugar was actually high by then and that's why I didn't feel good.
All-in-all, it was a good weekend. It would have been better if I could have shopped some more, and not slept for half the afternoon.
Diabetes gets in the way a lot. Tomorrow is my 16th birthday, and I'm hoping it won't mess that up.
Have a great week, everyone!