Struggling and Surviving

I've been trying to write this post for a while now. I'm not sure why I'm even writing it now. I don't share these stories with many people. But something about the DOC makes me feel comfortable and "at home". I feel compelled to write this post- maybe it will help someone, maybe it will save someone. Who knows.
For 2 years (maybe more, I don't remember details) I suffered from diabulimia. I didn't know that's what it was at the time. Looking back on it, I know. It all started when for a week I let my blood sugars go up into the 300's or 400's. I ate what I wanted and didn't take insulin. I only took my long acting at night. At the end of that week someone made a comment at school "Brea, have you lost weight? You look so good!" It all clicked right then that my blood sugars were making me lose weight. I've never been the skinniest person and my twin brother constantly (and still does) made fun of me for being fat. (Just to be clear, I know I'm not fat and that he's a jerk.)
This went on for months. Every time I went to the nurses office at school I would lie about my blood sugar and say it was in the 100s, when really I never checked it. If I did, it was really in the 300s or 400s. Days I didn't want to go to school I would tell my mom my blood sugar was high. I started missing so many days that I was eventually put on a program call "Home-hospital schooling" where my school sent a tutor to my house to teach me. I missed my entire 8th grade year of school. They all thought I was too sick. Nobody ever thought that I was doing it to myself. I went to my endo and my A1C was slowly creeping up, it was somewhere in the 8s now, previously it has been 7 or below. She wasn't too concerned or suspicious then, but did make some changes. Changes I didn't follow. I ignored them and kept up what I was doing. Not giving insulin, slowly destroying my body.
I ended up in the hospital several times. Everyone thought it was just diabetes, and I was a teenager. Every time I went in they found some kind of infection or something that could have caused it. But I knew that I caused it. I was loosing weight and that's all that mattered to me. I had lost about 30 pounds by then. Yes, I thought, keep going. So I did. I never understood and still don't understand why my family didn't see right through me. Maybe it's because that was the same time my parents were getting divorced, the same time my dad's addiction to alcohol got worse, the same time we were being abused. (Did I mention this was going on the same time I was battling an addiction to self-harm? That's another post for another day.) My sadness and depression was consuming me. But everyone was concentrated on something else besides me.
Fast forward three or four months. I'm a freshman in high school now. I went back to the endo. She started the appointment with asking if I'd been doing anything to lose weight. Not really, I said. "Your A1C is 10.8%" What? No. No. No. That is way too high. She downloaded my meter. For the past month I had been doing better. But there was no info from before that month because I had changed meters. And she knew why. She gave me the truth that day. And that's exactly what I needed. I cried. She recommend that I see a therapist (which I did and she told me that I was fine and didn't need to keep coming). She talked to my mom alone and she came out crying.
That day was exactly what I needed. I woke up. I realized that my life was worth more than that. I realized what I was throwing away. The next time I saw my endo my A1C was 7.7% and the next time it was 6.9%.
Today, I'm getting ready to start my junior year of high school. I'm happy (okay, not completely, but working on it). My latest A1C was 6.5%. I'm on an insulin pump and hopefully will be gettting a Dexcom soon. I haven't self-harmed for months (again, I will make another post about that when I'm ready). I'm glad I realized I needed to change. I haven't told anybody what I went through except for one of my friends. My family still doesn't know to this day what I struggled through. But you know what? I survived. I will survive. I will thrive. I will live my life and I will love my life. I'm thankful.

Too Many Feelings

           Diabetes makes me feel many feelings. Lonely. Depressed. Sad. Happy. Disappointed. Proud. Tired. So many. I often find myself trying to explain these feelings to people around me. But how do you explain the mental effects of living with a chronic disease?
           Most of all, lately I've been feeling left out and lonely. It's summer time and I'm in high school. I want to go out, have fun and hang out with friends. I don't want to be the only one that has to bring a big purse, check her blood sugar at the most inconvenient times, give insulin for every little thing I put in my mouth. What happened to being a kid? I grew up way faster than my friends. And it is not fair.
            In the interest of being honest- having diabetes in high school sucks. I cry and get upset about it a lot. Even though I know it's not worth crying over. I need to get used to it. I need to accept it. But I just can't. I can't accept that I'm gonna go through my whole life like this- feeling left out, lonely, always having to explain myself. So my question for you- how do I do it? How do I get through high school living with this chronic disease?
            I know this post is confusing and scattered. I'm bad at putting my feelings into words. Bear with me, please!

Friday Fives- July 19th (first ever Friday fives!)

1. It has been HOT HOT HOT here this week. Thank goodness for my air conditioner! (special thanks to my mom for buying it for me ;))
2. I am still FRUSTRATED with Dexcom. No, we don't want to use a supply company that is out of network for our insurance. We don't want to pay money we don't have. We just want to order our supplies from a company that our insurance will cover. Is that too hard to ask for?
3. It's summer, meaning no school. I have slept in until almost 11 everyday. And no, I haven't done any of that AP summer work for school... I should probably get on that.
4. Even though I've slept in so late, I've still woken up with blood sugars in the 120's or lower! WIN.
5. When I refilled my pump cartridge at the dinner table after we were done eating and my brother said "Can you do that somewhere else?! That's gross!" I replied with "Can you breathe somewhere else? I hate it when you do things to help keep yourself alive in front of me." Then walked away. He later apologized. WIN AGIAN!
Have a great weekend! :)

Birthday Wishes

I've celebrated five birthdays with type one diabetes. Every year there is a cake with candles. Everyone says "Okay, make a wish and blow out your candles!" In those five years I have never wished for a cure for diabetes. I'm not sure why. And I'm not sure why it seems so important to me now. Maybe it's because I'm just getting into the DOC (diabetes online community) or maybe it's because D is becoming an even bigger part of my life now that I'm getting older. Maybe this year I'll wish for a cure, but probably not. When I'm celebrating my birthday I hope diabetes isn't in the back of my mind. I hope I'm not thinking about it so much that I want to wish for a cure. Sure, I wish there was a cure for T1 D, but is it really worth it to use my once a year birthday wish on that? I get tired of D a lot, I get burnt out and sometimes I just wanna give up. But lately, D had been pretty easy for me (knock on wood). So, here's hoping for a cure, but not wishing for one- with my one birthday wish, that is.

Vacation and Diabetes

Last week I went on vacation with my family. This was the first time I've went on vacation for about 5 years, and the first time that I've gone to a hot, sunny beach for vacation with diabetes. I had no idea what to expect. I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. I took way too many supplies, in case of emergencies. And guess what? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! The first day, my blood sugar was low constantly. But it wasn't a big deal because my family eats a lot on vacation anyways. I went to the beach the first day and wore my pump the entire time. The insulin didn't go bad. I got sunburned pretty badly, and that evening had a high number, which I think was a result of being sunburned so badly. The second day was better, a couple lows, but no highs. That's pretty much how the whole week was. One day I had a 433 and I still have no idea why. But I corrected and it came down, so I tried not to dwell on the reasons. There was two days I didn't go to the beach at all, because I was so sunburned and miserable, and one day it rained. We actually ended up leaving a day early and going to my sister's house, where we spent the next day at the pool. I was in the heat more than I ever had been lately, and I know that was the cause of most of my lows, but my insulin never went bad like my doctor warned it might, so yay! All in all, it was a great vacation and I miss my family already!
As for tips for vacationing with diabetes, I would say: keep your unused insulin cold (duh) and if you're in the sun, put your pump or insulin you're using in a cooler while your in the water, count carbs extra carefully, try to follow somewhat of a schedule, but mostly, just have fun and give yourself some slack! Vacation is supposed to be fun!

Being Different

            Think back to your teenage years. I bet there was a time you felt different, you didn't fit in, you liked something everyone else didn't like or vice versa, you get the point. Everyone feels different at some point in their lives. For me, that point is right now. And the reason I feel different? Diabetes.
             It's summer now and everyone is out of school. I'm going into the 11th grade next year. I don't know how it was when you were a teenager, but now everyone likes to party. Especially in small towns that don't have much of anything to do, like my town. I've always known that I can't really be a "real" teen, who experiments with alcohol and whatnot. I've said no to numerous party invites in the past. By now, my friends know to not even ask. Now, don't get me wrong, even if I didn't have diabetes I probably would still say no to those party invites. But it'd be nice to know that I could say yes if I wanted to. I've been warned many times about what alcohol does to blood sugars, and that I shouldn't drink, especially during my teenage years. I mean, teens shouldn't drink anyways. I know there will be a point that I do drink (probably when I'm legal). But for right now, I just feel different, left out.
            This all started really sinking in when I was woken up this morning at 11 (yes, 11, I babysat until 2am last night- woah) by a phone call from a really good friend. The conversation went something like this:
Her: "Can I come sleep at your house for a few hours?"
Me (confused after just waking up, mind you): "Uhmmmm, what?"
Other Friend takes phone: "Listen, just let your come over. I took care of her while she was puking all night last night and I have to go to work."
Me: "Uhmmmmmmm, okay"
Them: "We're dropping her off in 5 minutes"
      So she came over, she slept, she ate crackers, she threw up, she went home. And in that moment I was both jealous that it couldn't be me (sounds silly, doesn't it?) and I was glad it couldn't be me. I feel different, yet I don't care. I'm still trying to figure my feelings out about this subject, but mostly I just feel different and left out. Until I figure out my other feelings, I'll just go in being the sober (don't forget great, amazing, and awesome) friend that is called when drunk friends need help. And for now I'm somewhat okay with that.

Driving... Or Not

In every teenager's life comes the time to get their permit and eventually (hopefully) their license. In the state of Maryland to get your permit you have to get a attendance form filled out by your school's guidance counselor. It pretty much says that the student applying to get their permit has missed 10 or less days  (unexcused) in the last semester. Which would be fine, for everyone else. Everyone except for me. I have missed somewhere around 35 or 40 days this year. With 15 or so being excused. And about 14 of the unexcused days have been in the last semester. See the problem here? Why have I missed this many days, you may ask? One word- diabetes. I missed a lot (A LOT) of days this year because my blood sugar was high or low, days when I felt sick from said blood sugar, and there was no way I was going to make it through a school day. I got my pump about 2 months ago and my blood sugars have be so SO much better. But I still have all those unexcused absences to deal with. I still get all A's and B's, better grades than most people my age and I always keep up with all my missed work. So WHY is the attendance policy for getting your permit not, instead, a policy about grades? Which I believe would be MUCH more effective. If I keep up with my missed work and have a legitimate excuse for missing those days (which we all know I do) why should I be denied the privilege to get my permit? Maybe it's just me that thinks and feels this way, or maybe it's just because it's happening to me. I can get my permit at the end of July and my mom and I are doing everything we can to make sure I will be able to get my permit, meanwhile my twin brother makes fun of me every chance he gets and that's not making this any easier. UGH!