What Diabetes Is

Diabetes is...

Waking up with a blood sugar of 113 and being proud of yourself.
Estimating the amount of carbs on a plate you're about to eat and being under 150 two hours after that meal.
Having no air bubbles in the new cartridge you just filled.
Making it through the night without a high or low blood sugar.
Having about the same (good) A1c for more than a year.
Advocating and teaching others about diabetes.
Telling a new friend you have type one diabetes and finding out they do, too.


 But more importantly, diabetes is...

Waking up with a blood sugar of 436 and feeling terrible.
Estimating the amount of carbs on the plate you're about to eat and being 32 an hour later.
Not being able to get that one air bubble out of the cartridge you're filling, and being too frustrated to keep trying.
Waking up every two hours through the night to see if your blood sugar has dropped any from the 398 it was before bed.
Realizing your A1c went up 2 percentage points in 5 months.
Advocating and teaching others about diabetes, just to hear them make rude jokes about it later.
Telling a new friend you have type one diabetes and not having a new friend anymore.

More than that, diabetes is...

Crying at the sink while washing dishing because maybe you just can't handle it anymore.
Telling your best friend she needs to come over because you're home alone and your blood sugar is 584.
Wondering if you'll ever find someone that will love you enough to support you through all the literal highs and lows.
Thinking about how hard and trying it will be to start a family.
Wondering why you don't have a close relationship with anyone that has diabetes, but never wishing it on anybody else at the same time.
Having the battery in your pump run out an hour before a party starts, and wishing more than anything you could ignore it and just have fun.
Being nauseous and sweaty and shaky and having a headache because your blood sugar went from 467 to 35 in less than two hours.
Barely making it to the kitchen after waking up with a blood sugar of 31 at 3am.
Sitting on the kitchen floor in the dark, crying until your blood sugar is high enough and you have enough strength to walk back upstairs.
Crying. A lot.
Being so depressed that it's incredibly hard to get out of bed, let alone check your blood sugar four times a day.


Diabetes is hard. Diabetes is overwhelming. Diabetes is difficult and trying and ridiculous and unpredictable.

But.
Diabetes is possible. Just keep going, keep trying.

Why Talking About Diabetes in High School is Hard

I have type one diabetes. It's a well known fact about me. All my friends, teachers, and relatives know. Even those that I wouldn't consider "friends" know. When I was on the powderpuff football team during homecoming week at my school, the back of my jersey said "TYPE 1." Pretty much, 90% of people I come into regular contact know that I have diabetes and the other 10% don't know or maybe even don't care enough to inquire.

So why do I find it so hard to talk about diabetes? Why when someone says "What's that?" (referring to my insulin pump) is it so hard for me to find the right words to answer with? People have questions. It's normal. Even those who have known me since I was diagnosed still ask me questions about diabetes. Me a year or two ago would have jumped at the chance to inform and educate. But me now mumbles something like "oh... a medical device... for diabetes... I have... diabetes" and feel instantly ashamed and sad about it. Why is that? 

Maybe it's because I'm a high school senior. Maybe it's because diabetes is so often put together with me being weak. Maybe it's because I'm tired of the "Can you eat that?" and "Is your blood sugar okay?" questions I seem to be getting more and more lately. I love my friends, I truly do (or else I wouldn't still be friends with them.) But is there a nice way to tell them to back off and stop talking about diabetes? 

I don't try to hide my diabetes. I never have. But lately, I just simply don't want to talk about it. That doesn't mean I'm not taking care of myself or I'm spiraling downwards when it comes to diabetes care-- I'm not. 

So, maybe it is a teenager thing. Or maybe it's just a me thing. To me lately, talking about diabetes is hard. In my college speech class, we have to write and deliver to the class an informative speech. We get to choose our topics and I chose diabetes. Am I crazy? Yes. But can I do it and do it well? Hopefully. I hope this is the first step to me getting back on track to informing, educating, and advocating for diabetes. Wish me luck!

I'm Getting Older- And So Is My Diabetes

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist a couple weeks ago and it was not the best appointment. In fact, I'm still shaken by some things that were said, and in turn, felt. My A1c came back at 6.6%, which, for a seventeen year old, is pretty great. (I may be slightly bias seeing as how I am seventeen and that is my A1c.) If you based endo appointments solely on A1c results, that might lead you to believe that this appointment should have gone pretty well. But we all know that A1c's are not the only thing that doctors look at. This time, my doctor was unhappy with several things. Some of them being the percentage of my total daily dose coming from my basal (68%- eeek!), the number of times I test my blood sugar a day (about 3 times per day for the last 90 days), and me not using insulin to carb ratios effectively. These are all things I expected to be brought up at this appointment because, well, I know I've been slacking lately. The things that I did not expect to come from this appointment were the guilt and shame I felt afterwards. The one thing my doctor said that I hated the most was "Come on, you're seventeen, this is just ridiculous." Excuse me?! The anger I felt in this moment was unreal. Since when did becoming seventeen years old mean that I couldn't get tired of diabetes? Doesn't everyone slack a little now and then? Don't I know people who have had diabetes for 10, 20, 30, 50 years and still get a little overwhelmed?! I have always loved my doctor, but when she said this I almost couldn't believe it. My A1c's have been consistently in the 6% range for the past couple years. In fact, this is my first "bad" appointment in years. Sure, I've been slacking. Sure, I could be testing a couple more times a day and using my pump settings more effectively. But did my doctor ever ask how I was? What's been going on in my life? WHY I may have been a little distracted from diabetes care? No. Instead, for the first time ever, she made me feel inadequate and not good enough. I am so tired of diabetes, and I think that's normal every once and a while. I'm trying to get my diabetes care back on track, but with no help from my doctor. I'm doing this for me. My doctor's remarks did not help one bit and she barely offered any solutions to the problems she saw. This, friends, is not what a good endocrinologist looks like and I promise you I will be seriously considering this whole situation before making another appointment with her. Good things don't last forever and this good thing may be ending. I am determined to get my health back on track, with or without the support of this doctor.

Why I Chose to Support the ADA

Diabetes comes in all shapes, forms, styles, and characters. As much as us type ones think it's us who is affected the most, type twos and others are just as greatly affected.
So when I first decided I wanted to participate in a diabetes walk, I looked in JDRF first. And when they didn't have any walks scheduled near me (the closest one is 3 hours away), I looked at the American Diabetes Association. And guess what? The closest one they had was about 3 hours away too! So what was I to do? A few years ago, my family and I did participate in a walk for the JDRF in Washington, DC. And don't get me wrong, it was great! But what about my community? What about the small town I live in, where diabetes advocacy barely exists? Well, let me tell you, that just wasn't cutting it for me anymore.
As I was sitting in my CDE's office the other day, I brought up how I had been thinking about organizing a diabetes walk in our community, I just didn't know how to go about it. I knew it would be a lot of work, that's why I was SO glad when she said that herself, and the people in her office has thrown around the idea also, but when it got to actually putting their plan into action, nobody had enough motivation. (Well, I do!) She also mentioned that the majority of her patients are type two, but they are seeing more and more type ones (like me).
So I have decided to organize a diabetes walk in this tiny small town of mine, and I have decided on going through the ADA instead of the JDRF.
Why? As my mom and I threw around some more ideas for the event, I realized that this is something I want to become a yearly thing. Even after (if) I move away to college. And now, after having support from my CDE and the wellness program at the local hospital, I believe that if I organize it this year, it WILL become a yearly thing. After thinking about it a lot, I want this walk to be and do SO MUCH MORE than just raise money; I want this walk to build connections and friendships, and to be about everyone who has diabetes, not just type ones. So I decided that having a walk through the JDRF would, while great, would limit the participation in the community.
For now, I'm still in the very early planning stages. The walk will most likely be sometime in September 2014.
I can't wait to see what this becomes. I'm dedicated to make a change in my community, now I just need the right people to support me.
I plan to keep blogging about the walk's progress here, so keep checking for more exciting news!

It Only Takes.....

It only takes a second,

to decide I don't need to check my blood sugar,
to "unlike" a diabetes page or group on Facebook,
to scroll past the diabetes related posts and tweets.

And it only takes a minute,

to decide I don't need my insulin for that dinner,
to forget to change my site, even when it's on its fourth or fifth day,
to forget to refill my many prescriptions I need to survive. 

And it only takes five minutes,

to convince my family and friends that diabetes is still under control,
to convince myself that yeah, it's okay to eat more without insulin,
to let rude comments about diabetes slide, even thought I should have been advocating and informing.

It only takes an hour,
to waste my time doing something else instead of connecting with the DOC,
to do homework instead of write blog posts,
to talk to my family about anything other than diabetes and sickness.

But it also only takes seconds, minutes, and hours to make changes, to improve, to heal, once again.
I think I can, I think I can.

It's Going to be Higher

I say that before every endocrinologist appointment. Without fail, I tell my mom "I think my A1c is going to be higher... I mean, not too high, just higher than last time." And without fail, she says "it's okay, we'll see." 

I've been struggling a lot the past 2 weeks with my blood sugars (and life) and I was feeling really down. I had been reminding myself that numbers are just numbers and it will be okay. 

My mom and I got in the car today to make the three hour drive to the endocrinologist and we said what we always say. I thought about the times of the day my doctor would want to make changes to. I thought about what I would say when she critiqued my numbers and asked why they had been what they had been. 

And then she came out to get me. She was smiling ear to ear and I was thinking "Hm, she's having a good day. Weird, because we have been waiting FOREVER!" 

That's when she said it. 

"This is the lowest A1c I have seen in forever! I never see this! I'm so proud of you!" 

I almost had to turn around to see if there was another patient named Brea standing behind me. Of course, there was not. 

She held up the little yellow paper that the nurse writes my A1c on and there it was. 

5.9. What? 

That's when I thought, that's too low! She's going to yell at me!

Three months ago my A1c was 6.1. I didn't think it could get better than that. 

(Now is a good time to say- this post is not to tell you how "good" my A1c is/was. It is just a number. I share these numbers online to help other people realize that it IS possible, not to show off!)

Let me just tell you, 2 years ago my A1c was 10.8. I was not in a good place. Now, as you can see, I AM in a good place. (Partly because of the DOC- I love you guys!)

My doctor did not yell at me. She looked at my Dexcom graphs and, after I told her the past couple weeks have been crazy, decided not to make any changes. She did some mathematical things and said some numbers that she said were all good (who knows, I'm not a math person) 

I told her about my joint problems and other pains and about my appointment with another specialist (after two others have said they don't know what's wrong with me) and she wished me luck and hugged me. (More about other appointments in later posts- still in my drafts) 

So this is when I tell you, hard work does pay off. Life has not been the easiest or happiest for me lately- but I'm trying. 

This A1c has been a sign for me. A "you can do it! Keep going!" 

I truly feel like I can do it. I can keep going. I can be happy and healthy. 

And for that, I am thankful. 

Time Will Tell

Being half way through my junior year of high school, I've been thinking about my future a lot. This summer I'll be touring colleges, applying to colleges, and deciding (hopefully) on a major for college. All before I even start my senior year. Whaaaat? When did I grow up?

Thinking about the future is scary. 

I live in a town that has a college in it, and many people end up going there once they graduate. That being said, none of my siblings (I have four that are in college/have graduated from college) have gone there. We've always been a family that is intelligent and people often look down on people who stay here to go to college (we live in a very small town). 

So, the point is, I've grown up thinking I would go away for college. Until a few months ago, I could not wait to get out of my town and go away to college. 

And then I started thinking. How was I going to do it? College is going to be hard to adjust to- diabetes wise. I'm absolutely positive my blood sugars will not be good considering high school hasn't been all that great blood sugar wise (stress, tests, the works). Being responsible for getting my prescriptions on time, making sure I don't run out of anything, all my doctor's appointments, on top of normal college things? Whoa. I'm stressed out just thinking about it. And I wouldn't even be near ANY of my family or my mom or anybody I know. My older siblings tell me over and over again how stressful college is and how hard it will be-but it will be worth it. And I believe that. It will be worth it. 

So my question is, do I go away to college and get the typical college experience, live in the dorm and all? Or do I stay here, play it safe, and put my health first? I still have a while to decide. But I need to think about it. Only time will tell what the right decision is for me. I know I could handle going away and I know in the end I would be just fine. But at the same time somewhere deep down inside I'm screaming to myself, don't go! Stay home! It'll be easier! It'll be healthier! You'll be happier! But will I? 

I'm confused about the future. I'm scared about the future. I'm angry that I even have to think about how diabetes will affect my future.

 What would you do? Do you have any wise words of wisdom?

Friday Fives: First of 2014

It's 2014. What?! How did that happen? 2015 is the year I graduate from high school! And it's already 2014?!
Here's what's been going on in my life.

1. Diabetes and being a teenager is hard. It's not impossible. But it sure does take a lot out of you. I'm realizing this more and more, the more busy my life becomes.
2. 2014 means the program that used to cover our (ridiculously expensive) co-pays for diabetes supplies no longer exists. Sigh.
3. For Christmas "Santa" bought me a baking class (I LOVE baking!) that starts soon and I am so excited! (But a little stressed about how it will fit into my schedule.)
4. I'm on the Mock Trial team for my school. Which is a team that gets a made up court case every year, picks attorneys and witnesses and goes up against other high school students in a real court room. I am not at all interested in being a lawyer or anything of the sort when I get older but it looks good on college applications (hehe). I am a witness this year and our first trial is January 7th. I am nervous because I've barely had time to memorize my affidavit. (Not to mention, how the heck are my blood sugars going to react while I'm on the witness stand?!)
5. My blood sugars have been absolutely insane. I have no idea why. Christmas break? I feel defeated because every time I look at my Dexcom or meter. All I can think it "HOW?!" I've changed basal rates and insulin to carb ratios and insulin sensitivity factors and still nothing. I'm going to give it another week since next week is a full school week. After that if my number are still crazy, I'll have to email my CDE. I'm completely exhausted!

That's all about my life for now. We had off school today because of the snow and the temperature here. So I'm going to enjoy my day off and start reading the book I've had checked out of the library for two weeks. (Oops.)
Have a good weekend everyone!

A Battle Worth Fighting

As many people say, I have to decide which battles are worth fighting and which ones I need to walk away from. This year, I've been having trouble with the school nurse. I know I am incredibly lucky to even have a school nurse, and even more lucky to have one that likes her job and cares about us kids.

It's nothing against her personally, but I don't feel, especially after my last endo appointment going so well, that I need to see her every single day. Before now, I've been going to her everyday after lunch to tell her my blood sugar, how many carbs I ate, and how much insulin I gave. I mean, really? I'm 16. I'm in great control. I have had 1 low this whole school year and no highs.

Now, yes, it only took a few minutes out of my day, but try to see it from my perspective. I'm late to the same class everyday, and get weird looks from my classmates everyday. I'm just tired of it. Earlier in the year I had other problems with the school nurse, but those were resolved rather quickly.

So I went to my endo a couple weeks ago and brought up this subject. Her reply? "You STILL go to the nurse EVERY day?!" Yep, yep I do. She was shocked. She said something I've been saying for months, "What, is she going to go to college with you too?" SHE GETS IT. (Now would be a good time to say, I LOVE my doctor!) She wrote me a letter, printed out some info form the ADA website, and basically told me it's my right to put in my 504 plan that I don't have to see the school nurse everyday. Music to my ears.

Her nurse emailed me the school forms, my mom signed them, and because I'm afraid of confrontation and of hurting people's feelings, I had my mom take them into the nurse at the end of the school day today. I got a text from my mom saying "Come to the nurse before you leave." I was thinking, ohhhh no. But when I got there, all she had to say was that I had to come to her if I was under 70 or so high that I was feeling sick. Okay, I can handle that!

Later, I found out the nurse was, in fact, not very happy when my mom first came in to talk to her. She had to call her supervisor, who wasn't happy either, to see what to do. In the end, since I had a note from my doctor, they couldn't really do anything. My mom said that the nurse said over and over again "I just get nervous..." To which my mom responded, "Me too, but she has to grow up sometime."

To me, this was a battle worth fighting. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me, it was huge. To any D-parents out there, be warned, once your kids get a little older, they will want their freedom. And you should fight for it for them. They need to spread their wings and fly, and that's okay. How else will we learn?

Slipping

If you haven't read this post, you should do that before reading this.

Sadly, that post, all of the things I described in that post are becoming my reality again. 

I'm finding myself skipping my insulin on purpose. 

I'm finding myself hurting myself on purpose to feel better about things. 

I'm finding my mom drinking. 

I'm finding my grades slipping. 

I'm finding my stress level going through the roof. 

I'm finding my depression level going up. 

The hardest part about all this is that I thought it was over. I thought the years of pain and suffering were over. Will it ever be over?

For now, this is my reality. I'm writing this post because I think it's fair that I share with the DOC what's been up with me lately. 

I'm trying as hard as I can. I'm doing the best I can. It's the best I can do with all these things going on in my life. 

Putting on a happy face gets harder and harder each day.

I need to get back on track. I did it once, I can do it again. 

I will try. Just hang in there with me a little longer. 

Falling Apart

As many of you know, I went on a trip to Utah this past week. It was awesome! Security at the airport wasn't too bad. I'll write more about my trip later. Right now, I'm just writing this because I've been a little absent in the DOC. I'm sad about it. 

I've been sick for the past three weeks. I went on vacation. I have been SO BUSY with school this year. I joined the mock trial team at my school. I got my first C on my report card last week. I got accepted into National Honors Society at school. I was nominated for two scholarships last week for having 600+ hours of volunteer work. My room needs to be cleaned. I need to go shopping for dress clothes. I still need to unpack from my trip. My phone has been broken.

Needless to say, my life is a little complicated and stressful for the past couple weeks. I have so much on my mind. I have barely paid attention to diabetes, and when I have, it's been because I'm disappointed in myself because of what my numbers are. I have a endo appointment on November 20th that I am SO not looking forward to. 

On top of all these things, I've been going through personal and family problems for the past couple weeks. I'm hoping and praying that everything is going to be okay. It has to be okay. 

My life is just falling apart a little right now.

So, friends, I'll be back soon. After my life calms down and I put all the pieces back together, I'll be back. Just know that even if I'm not present all the time, I'm always thinking about you all and I (try) to read your blog posts and tweets. 

For now, thoughts and prayers are appreciated. <3

Shopping Experience Gone Bad

All five of my siblings were home this weekend so help my twin brother and I celebrate our 16th birthday, which is Monday.
Saturday we had birthday dinner, and opened presents.
Sunday was supposed to be a fun day. I woke up with a blood sugar of 180, but understandably so, considering I ate ice cream cake before bed. We were supposed to carve pumpkins, and go shopping. When we woke up, my sister, her boyfriend, my mom, and I decided we were going to go to the store nobody else wanted to go to, and then everyone else was gonna meet us at the next store. My blood sugar was a little high before we left so I gave insulin. Once we got to the store, we were walking around for a while and my dexcom said I was 70. We were supposed to be leaving soon so I figured I would wait until I got to the car to check and test. I told everyone I was with that we needed to go soon because I was going to be low. They looked around for a while, and I was getting more and more annoyed and I wasn't very good at hiding it. By the time we finally left, I felt like I couldn't even walk. My dexcom now read LOW (below 40) I checked and my blood sugar was 30. UH OH. I ate a whole thing of mini oreos and a PB Snickers because that's all I had with me. We were going to the next store and on the way there I was sweating and could barely keep my eyes open. The only reason I wanted to go there was to look for a carry-on bag for my upcoming trip. My mom and I decided we would go in, look for one and then she would take me home and let my sister and her boyfriend ride home with my other family members that were meeting us there. We went in, found a carry-on, and two (matching) sweaters and some candy bars. We paid and my mom gave me the keys to go to the car while she gave my sister her card to use. As I sat in the car, I decided to eat a candy bar. Right after I did, I felt insanely sick. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. We stopped on the way home to pick up the pizza we were having for lunch. I remember being so out of it and feeling so sick that I could barely even talk to my mom when she tried to talk to me. When we got home, I went straight to the living room where my brothers were and laid down. They, along with my mom, were obviously worried about me. I'm sure I was pale and sweaty. I told them I was fine and went to sleep. I vaguely remember my mom asking me if I was okay and if I wanted pizza. When I woke up, my brothers were still playing video games, and I think only 20 minutes passed. I ask my brother to get me a piece of pizza and he said no and asked why I was sleeping. I told him my blood sugar was low and now it's high or something like that. Then my older brother said "JUST GET HER A PIECE OF PIZZA".  And so he did.
After a few more minutes of recovering, I asked where my mom was. Apparently she told me she went to the market but I don't remember that at all. I finally got up but I still had a killer headache. I took some medicine and started to feel better. My mom told me she was really worried about me for a while and considered getting out the glucagon. I'm glad she didn't because my blood sugar was actually high by then and that's why I didn't feel good.
All-in-all, it was a good weekend. It would have been better if I could have shopped some more, and not slept for half the afternoon.
Diabetes gets in the way a lot. Tomorrow is my 16th birthday, and I'm hoping it won't mess that up.
Have a great week, everyone!

Thank you

Dear D-Parents,

Thank you. 

For your sleepless nights. 

For the worry you have for your D-child/children. 

For the hours you spend on the phone trying to get support from device companies. 

For the hours you spent learning at diagnosis. 

For the food you measure and calculate.

For the time you spend trying to make sure we have a "normal" life.

For reminding us to not let D get in the way. 

For the prescriptions you call in every month or three months. 

For driving to the pharmacy to get our life saving medicine.

For remembering to help change our sites and sensors. 

For teaching us how to care for ourselves. 

For letting go, even though you're not quite ready. 

For never slowing down.

For always trying to get the best technology/medicine there is for us.

For having tons and tons of patience. 

For giving us independence. 

For driving us to the several doctors appointment we have each year. 

For consoling us when we are inconsolable. 

For supporting us in everything we do. 

For knowing when we've had enough, and we need your help. 

For teaching us that it's okay to not be perfect. 

For helping us laugh when we need it. 

For not getting mad when we forget to give insulin. 

For advocating for our disease. 

For understanding.

Thank you for keeping us alive. 

But most of all, D-parents, thank you for loving us. 

Shots vs Pump

Before my pump, I was on shots. Novolog and Levimir, which added up to be around 6 or 7 shots a day. I've been on my pump, the Animas Ping, for about 6 or 7 months now. And I love it. Or should I say did love it. At first, it was great. Amazing. Awesome. I went to my endocrinologist 3 months after I started. On shots, my A1c was 6.9. Three months after starting on my pump, my A1c was 6.5. It was an improvement, but I'd take a 6.5 or a 6.9 any day.

Lately, I've not been as big of a fan as I was in the beginning. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like something is wrong. My CDE told me when I started that they often see a decrease in A1c numbers the first six months patients are on the pump, but after that they tend to go up again. It makes sense. When you first get a pump you're excited and do everything right with it. Once the initial excitement goes away, you go back to do things the same way you did before- which probably means your numbers won't be as tight (if you're like me).

I feel like something is wrong because, even though I feel guilty to say it, I think I want to go back on shots. It's crazy. I can't believe that I've been thinking about it so much. I feel insanely guilty about it, because my mom went through all kinds of things to get me this piece of great technology. My health insurance covers it and the supplies 100% (lucky us) but just getting it approved was a struggle. I feel guilty because there's so many people who do want a pump who can't afford one or can't get one for whatever reason. I just plain feel guilty. I'm tired of being attached to it all the time. I just want it off. Maybe I've been feeling this way because my blood sugars have been a little crazy lately and higher than I want. I feel like after a day or two I'm not absorbing my insulin well at all. My blood sugars are pretty good for a day or two after I change my site, but after that, they're terrible. Changing my site every other day wouldn't be worth it for me, and I'd rather just be on shots. That's just how I feel.

I know it's silly to feel guilty. I should do what's best for me. I have yet to bring this up with my mother. I'm still hoping that my blood sugars will somehow get incredibly better and I'll want to stay on the pump. Unfortunately, I can't see that happening. I've been making basal and ratio changes for weeks now, and still, my blood sugars have not been matching up with the effort I've been giving them.

I go to my endo again on November 20th. I've decided to stick with it until then, and if I still feel the same, I will bring it up with my doctor. And try to talk to my mom about it before that appointment so she's not completely blindsided.

Does anyone else have experience with this? Being on a pump but preferring shots?

Lost

I'm a little lost right now. In diabetes. In life. In everything.
Does being lost come with being a teenager? I hope so.
My blood sugars have been all over the place, which probably adds to my emotions. I've been trying. Really really hard. But I'm still lost with what to do with diabetes.
If someone asked me to explain my life right now I would say something along the lines of "I get up, do what I need to do to survive, go to sleep and repeat." I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm more of just here. Just trying to find my way through these tough teenage years, doing the best I can, and still not feeling good enough.
There's things I'm looking forward to this month. My birthday. My trip to Utah to see my best friends. Great things. But they're so far away and I'm struggling to hang on until those exciting things get here.

So for now, please excuse my absence from the diabetes online community. I try to be present as much as possible but I am so busy. Busy trying figure out this thing called life. And it isn't easy.

Have an awesome week, everyone!

School Troubles

I've had diabetes for about 5 years. 24/7. 24 hours a day. I deal with it all the time. I can do it. I know what to do. And on those rare occasions that I really do need help, I know how to ask for it. My mom and I don't really talk about diabetes unless there's a problem. It never really comes up with my family unless someone is making a joke just to make me angry.

This past summer I didn't have any problems. My A1c tested at 6.5. I was great.

Then the school year rolls around and all the sudden there is someone watching my every move. Someone who doesn't really understand diabetes all that much but still thinks that she knows more than me. Someone I have to tell how much insulin I gave, what my blood sugar was, how much insulin I gave, why I took some off, why I added some, why I put a temp basal on... Every. Single. Thing. I do diabetes wise has to be reported to the school nurse. It's annoying. I don't need her.

She yelled at me today and told me I have to start coming to her office before and after lunch. Which means I'll be late for my spanish class. Which is disruptive and embarrassing. And I'm not doing it. Before today I had been going after all my classes, before I go home for the day. I forgot on Friday. I forgot one day and that's it. I have to come twice a day?  Uhm, no.

I tried to explain that my blood sugars have been good before lunch. That I know how to do my insulin, how to count carbs. It didn't matter. She was rude and mean and said I have to come and if I don't then she'll have to call my mom and talk to her about it. Well, listen lady, go ahead and call my mom, because I guarantee she's going to say I don't have to come to your office twice a day. Heck, call my doctor and she'll even tell you I don't have to come to your office at all (I know because I talked to her about it once and she thought it was ridiculous I had still been going everyday).

Am I wrong? Should I just suck it up and go to her office for a few minutes twice a day? What do you think? Is it worth fighting this?

Priorities

What is supposed to come first to me? Most teenagers would say school or friends. Some would say things like relationships or family or whatever. But me, personally? What comes first? I don't know. Diabetes? School? Friends? I have yet to find how to balance all these things.

Most teenagers already have a lot on their plate, but throw in type one diabetes and you get something completely different. Sometimes I just want to stop. Stop diabetes. Stop insulin. Just stop. But we all know I can't do that. I want to be a "normal" teenager but I can't do that either.

So in these teen years, am I supposed to put diabetes first? Or should I put school first? Or friends? Or somehow find a way to put all these things first? 

My diabetes care is slipping lately, I know. And I know why. It's because of the school work, the stress, the friends. Sometimes it's easier to let a 200 be if I don't feel bad. I need to do better.

But it feels impossible to do better diabetes wise when I'm trying to do my best everywhere else too. Is it okay for diabetes to not always be number one?

How do you prioritize? What's number one on your list?

The Candy Bowl

I started school about a week ago. It's been okay- more on that later. Now, I want to share this short little story with you, that I'm sure you can all relate to.

At my school, fifth period is the period with the lunch shifts. I eat on the last lunch shift (helloooo, I am SO hungry by then!). Anyways, fifth period, being the longest of the day, is also when I have my journalism class. I'm on the newspaper staff. We have our own room or "lab" as we call it. It has tables and computers and now, it has a mini-fridge and microwave. So, problem number one: All we do in that class is eat. Like A LOT. Not unhealthy things, but still, we should probably stop eating so much.

When we were cleaning out the room last week we came across a (empty) candy bowl. Can you see where this is going? Everyone was bringing things in to make the room more home-y. (Our newspaper staff consists of 9 people and we LOVE each other. We're more of a family than friends.) So two people came up with a bright idea to go buy candy and put it in the candy bowl for everyone to share. You remember when I said that we eat all period long? Well, that now includes candy. And let's be honest, even PWD can't resist candy. So ate some. And some more. And some more.... OOPS. I bloused for all of it but of course my blood sugar was still super high all afternoon. Making me super tired and unproductive in the rest of my classes. AND made my dexcom beep in class twice today. UGH.

 
I'm gonna have to come up with a better idea on how to handle the candy bowl. Maybe we should just eat all the candy really fast and not bring anymore in? HA. That would end badly...

Our hands when we rubbed them together after
 painting them for our hand print sign below.

The sign the newspaper staff made to hang on our door

Sticky Situations

      Starting school with diabetes is much easier when the student is in high school. (shout out to all D-parents reading this, if any. It does get easier!!)
      The school nurse is great. I only see her once a day (which I hoped to get down to zero times a day this year unless there was a problem, but the rules in my school district are verrrry strict) and it's after lunch.
       When I started school as a freshman we had a meeting with the school nurse, her supervisor, the principal, both vice principals, and some other people. So they all, in theory, know I have diabetes. But let's be honest, I'm sure they have forgotten by now, two years later.
       My mom wrote letters to all my teachers my freshman year and when we went in for the meeting, we walked around to each teacher and gave them the letter and talked with them a little. Sophomore year my mom emailed all my teachers. I never had any problems either year. This year, my mom emailed all my new teachers. The nurse also sends out a email to all the teachers in the school with a list of students who have medical conditions so everyone is aware.
      So here's my problem: my dexcom.  All my teachers should know that I have diabetes. In my mom's email she stated how some of my devices look like cell phones, but they aren't, they're medical devices. Today, the second day of school, I set my dexcom to vibrate and put it in my purse, which I always have with me. I was low today and never noticed my dexcom for about an hour and a half  , and didn't feel low (hello, hypo-unawareness!). When I checked I ended up being in the 50's. Ouch. I don't know what to do with my dexcom. I can't put it in my pocket (not allowed and so bulky and uncomfortable) and leaving it in my purse on vibrate obviously won't work. I don't want to put it on loud or soft because I really don't want it to make any noise, or draw any attention to myself (remember, I am in high school...). I'm not worried about my teachers taking it from me or thinking it's a cell phone, because if that ever happened I would put them in their place right away (not in a mean way, but you know). I'm more worried about interrupting the class, teachers getting annoyed, other students getting annoyed, me getting annoyed and embarrassed.
      Does anyone have any similar experiences or any suggestions? I need to make sure I will notice it if I'm high or low, but I don't want it to cause any disruptions. Help!

Dexcom G4 Review

I've been using the Dexcom G4 for about a month now and I figured it was about time to write a review for fellow PWD. I've never had a CGM before so it was really exciting for me to get it. I'll break it down into pros and cons (pretty basic things).

Pros:

• Knowing which way my blood sugar is going. I love the arrows! They help me a lot when it comes to knowing if I should give more insulin, eat more, etc. 
• Trends. I've been able to download the data to the Dexcom software several times and each time I have found at least one place that needed some minor basal tweaking. I never would have found those spots if I didn't have a CGM.
• Accuracy. This thing is pretty darn accurate! Most of the time, at least. I have found that it is almost always accurate when I'm in range but not so accurate when I'm really high or really low. Which is to be expected and something I definitely knew was going to happen. 
• Size of the receiver. It's so small! It fits almost anywhere. I usually keep it in my back pocket or a small pocket in my purse.
• Sensors. It is only recommended that you wear the sensor for 7 days. Many people in the DOC wear them for much longer than this. (Not medical advice.) My first sensor lasted for 10 days and got pulled after hours of seeing ???. My third only for a week, because it just wasn't sticking. I'm on day 11 of my third sensor and it's still going strong. 

Cons:

• For some reason, I really don't like how, even if the sounds are set to "normal" or "attentive" if I'm high or low, the receiver first vibrates then alarms 5 minutes later. I would much rather it alarm the very first time, right when I go high or low. 
• The sensors don't seem to stick very well on me. By the end of the second or third day I need tape or IV3000 to make them stay on. It's worth it, but it's still annoying.

Other than that, I can't think of any specific cons right now. I'm sure there's more but I'm so distracted and tired! 

I hope this review was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions! :)